wounded frantically seeking connection

                           Seeking 

I was working in a retail store in Rhode Island, and a mother came in with her little girl about three. The mother babbled on and the little girl wandered through the store. I could feel her searching, really lost. Her dependence was totally on her mother who was ignoring her. It dawned on me that the little girl would always be lost till she was an adult and would be lucky enough to express her outrage at being ignored, neglected. Early feelings, like these, are hard to remember. As children negative experiences can easily be buried with denial. Imagine when the abuse becomes  beatings, incest, rape. Held in tremendous rage  will mostly be released through addictions 

Growing up abandoned, primary drives ignored, the nuclear family submerged into work  leads to lost and anxious struggles. As mammals we come from a heritage of being touched during our first years and being in contact with our mother completely. Think of all the mammals carrying their children for there first years. The Orgone's baby must have breast feeding contact to stimulate  Orgone. The consequences of abridgment, of a cold connection is an avenue to addiction.

People choose different forms of behavior to avoid depression, anxiety, and just general panic. Three of the most common behaviors are sublimation, O.C.D. and addictions. O.C.D. behavior buries the memories of a abused childhood; one becomes passionate about being overly perfect. Of course its impossible to be perfect but it allows one to use up Orgone and the obsession blocks everything. If sexual then the acts can be extremely bizarre. By choosing work, hobbies one moves the Orgone and achieves a respite from the lack of touch, and sexual frustrations.

Surprisingly all three can be life preserving. All move the Orgone to some degree and a partial release from the build up of Orgone is achieved and relief is felt.  A purpose is realized: I will do this behavior and live. Moving the Orgone even if invisible allows one to live with purpose and purpose moves the Orgone. The will to direct action moves the Orgone and that also drives these three behaviors. Action moves the Orgone to the surface and though the pleasure is mixed with fear it feels good to be alive.

As adults our early memories were forgotten. Then through recapitulation we began to remember. Remembering we noticed many who like weeds began to show signs of differentiation. Dysfunction began to show up. Hidden sex in the cities, in divorced open day houses, in the country, in the cornfields.We took notice but could do nothing, Perhaps the secrets started as we sought ways to find pleasurable release. If we were lucky the feelings and strange urges will be talked about between friends. Parents busy finding there own satisfaction often were too confused, too armored to communicate anything. Your on your own.

 Habits are hard to break when they give relief and addictions are a passionate habit: the gateway to further secrets. Addictions are dangerous acts, drugs of all kinds, over eating, sexual perversions. The release and pleasure from the addiction becomes paramount. The perverted act is necessary to achieve release from the blocked up Orgone. Addiction is an isolated pleasure that leads to a lonely life. 

Orgone Therapy has tools that will take one back to the original wound.That searching little girl will need to find an orgone Therapist and express her anger: being neglected is a disaster and needs a therapist to help unlock the held in rage. Expressing the outrage, the loss,ultimately will heal the organism and a feeling of exuberance will be known. Choose Orgone Therapy, and learn to make different choices. Being in Orgone Therapy is  life saving. 

Collating

A little guy enters the world. Really a simple world, complicated by evasion, gone tremendously wrong. Immediately too much is going on. What works is one moment to the next and choosing  pleasurable, loving activities, and for the very few this happens. Except for most of us that is not what faces us. The armor, the hiding, the stilling of what is needed begins. The new character seems safe and it is because it guarantees ones survival for most. Some can not do it. Perhaps they have too much early brilliance and it is just time for them too move on or just become aberrant. Whatever, the rest of us have to deal with abuse of one kind or another. All of us turn to some kind of addiction to soothe our neurotic character with fantasy, drugs, food, some aberration of the primary drive. All of this moves the Orgone, and that pleasure seems enough. But and it is a big But it isn't.

Dr. Reich developed the four count energy principle and it inhabits human beings and probably all developed species. Orgone needs full expression as it grows in us. At some point the Orgone will fill us too excess, and needs to be fully, deeply expressed through sexual intercourse. Except because of armor, Orgone stilling, the excess is released through Dr. Reich's brilliantly conceived secondary drives, (weird Orgone, my term), causing the dysfunction in our culture.

Beginning at birth, the need, the stimulation of the embrace, and the closeness and the stimulation of body to body contact needs to be experienced with the mother and then with other children. Yet parents deny children their physical needs..The result: the child is forsaken closeness that any other mouse can experience and develops substitutes that hide, obfuscates and fuel addictions.

The mythical garden is taken away. Truly we can not underestimate the horrendous results of this expulsion. Our culture with its complete war practices, on every level, is a manifestation of its anger at being deprived of closeness, pleasure of  sexual honesty, that every other bird and bee can experience and instead becomes the nasty, murderous species that is on the edge of extinction.

Orgone Therapy can help change that nasty laugh to satisfaction by helping us remember simple pleasures are our heritage.

Exploring My Life Through Orgone Therapy

Looking back at my childhood I can see I never wanted to leave home; I never saw anything wrong with my family. I would never look at my past. My past was not a solvable problem and seemed to have no influence on my present behavior. Now that idea seems so strange to me. I now know why that is so. I controlled myself unconsciously so I would not see my dysfunction and my families dysfunction: immobilized breathing is a fantastic way of staying unresponsive.
Orgonomic breathing streams the Orgone and opens oneself to ones past.  

Finding the answer to my headache that has begun in the last year, has led me to explore my progression of finding how my headache, my character, my armor, my addictions are symptoms of my pathology.

Today I woke with my typical tension in my occiput region, that is above the collar of my shirt: that tension caused my headache and I knew I was unconsciously contracting those muscles. The muscles tightening through the top of my head compressed the nerves, and the blood vessels, caused severe pain. Laying there I experienced my shallow breathing, and the tension, the holding, the contraction that began telling me that I won't express myself. I knew I was tense, succeeding in not experiencing something. I would have to use what Orgone Therapy taught me to get rid of that headache. Why, why, and then as I said to myself I won't, it reminded me again what I would have to do if I didn't want to be in pain. Orgone Therapy had an answer for my living coma. "Say I won't", said Dr. Rinn. Over and over I said I won't. No info to what that meant;  I kept on with the I won't, saying it made me feel better, and after years, ultimately it brought me back to my original template, my difficult birth that I had closed down and did not want to experience.

The initial template of being born by a very armored mother, combined with circumcision and followed by neglect, and my withdrawal was seen as being a good boy. Quiet no trouble for the parents. And you bet if I knew anything I was going to hide, as not to be hurt by neglect: what was neglect?

The difficulty for me was the distasteful humans, and being small I didn't dare revolt, when I did I got beaten: I felt more than scared, I was invisible. My reaction was as the

possum. I would keep that modus operandi  that would become my character. A sleepy good boy with moments of excitements combined with tantrums, anger. Over years I would experience my past, yes all the way back to when I wouldn't express the pain, my rage. I once again realized I was the master of hiding from myself. 

Waiting for me was the Gestalt of the baby, the child, the teenager who was holding himself so tight, by not breathing, by not knowing how to express his disgust, his anger, my rage. Finally to be-woken up and to express myself finally. Orgone Therapy taught me emoting, appropriate emoting took away my headache, and lessened my need for my addictions: food and unconnected sex. Orgone Therapy is dynamic.

Today I know what to do when that habit of hiding returns which is often when I sleep. Waking to my dreams where I am facing my isolation, my lack of connection that I know in the repose of sleep,  I will not fight, rage, but instead hold to resting, and pleasure, and no one will mess with my pleasure. Yet when waking I need to emote against the deniers, the abusers, and that is the key. Without the expression the musculature remains armored, stiff and intelligence is static. For in the anxiety of doing nothing lies impotence. Luckily for me my karma led me to Dr. Rinn a great Therapist, a Doctor of Gestalt Therapy, and master of Orgone Therapy.

Armored people are flat water, and Orgone is carbonated, alive. I see people as windows and most have all there windows closed, shut tight. In Orgone Therapy the windows will open inch by inch and sometimes they close back up. Letting the Orgone through the armor allows a whole person to emerge.

Mountain Top

Looking back took forty years to see That catch 22 kept me silent. 

No complaints, no awareness, no know.

 Get angry get beaten. 

Divorced from the puke. 

I have only yearning that keeps me looking at what is past.

 At times I looked to you for for what was not you. I know you saw the Rex in me. 

I loved the fox in you, your sway, your simplicity. 

We turned the banal into pleasure. 

What is 40 years? 

Rex reigned 150 million years.

 I roar for my anger at time knows no limit. Some duster

 will map our skeletons, Not knowing your saintly heart.

Orgone Therapy

I often counted the stars on my ceiling. They
Shined. Then that morning I was taken
Out of my room.
He lied there, no movement, white.
Cold. Ruthless, I would never
Be like him. Who are these people?
I would find another way.
Never pinched like my Grandfather.

Made Me Smile

  



                           She speaks French.
                           The French pop playing.
                           I am doing catto, and wishing
                           For a different outcome.

                           Lately I have seen other worlds.
                           They beckon me.
                        
                           I was reborn through Orgone.
                           Invisible hands held my face and kissed
                           My cheek.
                           Beyond my understanding, Spirit.
                           Then I turn
                           The laundry piled in the corner.
                          

Memories

                 

                  It was Wordsworth who watched the pebble 

                  Circled back to the edge of the Pond.

                  Our eating, our movements take us back. 

                  Reminding of our past

               
                
                   She laid there comatose,  Her tit dry.
                   Who was that? My
                   Tortured movements.
                   Kill that blob of fat.

         .

                  

                

Secrets

I saw Martha Stewart fold a fitted sheet. It took about 14 steps to make it lie flat and square and then to put it into her perfectly fitted organized closet. I was flabbergasted. Perfection can be away to hide secrets. If it is viewed as success than no need to look beneath the veneer.

I have been a detective all my life trying to figure out my life. There was no halo above my head just trial and error. No one in my family saw fit to explain anything to me. On the whole this was a dangerous way to grow up but better than the make do philosophy of my peers. Basically don't examine and make money. Understandable but sure fire way to ultimately be miserable: without love, and knowledge, addiction is a poor lover. So what is the chance for any type of happiness in our culture, when to have any fun and release one needs to break the rules. Then you have secrets and that means addictive patterns.

First addiction can be anything that moves the Orgone but is actually filled with anxiety, and some pleasure. Control the reality, project perfection and ones addiction, betrayal and shame is hidden. As a adult secrets leads to dishonesty and misery. 

I was living with a French cook and I got huge. Put the food in front of me and I was addicted. Food in my family was the only pleasure and a big part of escape. Pizza down the street, bakeries on every corner. Then of course puberty came and the complications of another primal drive. Often addiction can be sexual; relieving the boredom by having many assignations keeps one in a strange game of perpetual addiction.

As a baby, as a child being isolated by typical abuses breeds a cruel and murderous unconscious. I froze the movement of Orgone as a baby to protect myself from the abuse. All it took was nothing. My unconscious did the rest. By holding down orgone flow by contraction I was able to block the memory of abuse. Then those unexpressed feelings fester, multiply and breed addiction and the Emotional Plague becomes ones character.

When I had no movement, I had no feelings, and I would lay in my crib neglected by the hours happy not to be abused either by incompetent Doctors or by unfeeling adults. Staying hidden protected me from the abusers. The abusers when named liberate old feelings.

The addict's excess Orgone has there own hidden needs and must be actualized. When Orgone is blocked by armor, through the holding in of hidden feelings then the resulting hidden anger will be metamorphosed through addiction and not be conscious. The armor now has restricted consciousness; cruelty, contempt. A nasty character becomes the face of addiction; and that anger is unpredictable. Those cruel ,memories are festering held in rage one has forgotten, and now energize your addiction; addiction is a continuous compulsion to find some pleasure and some release from past abuse. Addiction is the release valve on ones consciousness, on ones Orgone. One way or another, even transposed, those hidden feelings will be expressed. The pressure to release the excess Orgone is stupefying.

Addictions partial release is what drives addictions continuation, and out of control feels good. Pleasure, the movement of Orgone to the surface of the body without total release is addictive. The desire for unlocking one's unsatisfied frozen Orgone with addictive pleasure compels the addictive action. Orgone stuck is frozen character, a mask that can not be satisfied: a full release that will not be found. The horror, the tapestry of our culture, is blinded to these truths, and denies their value. Tragedy after tragedy and I see no end of their ignorance.

My realizations continues, and as my controls dissolve. I am experiencing more of the excitement of a balanced life. I have been fortunate to have been in Orgone Therapy. Secrets and addictions go together. Both can be isolating. Both take away sharing ones reality. Sharing one's Orgone is a recognition of one of the great moments in history: Dr. Reich's Theory that humans are Orgone  producers and need to express the extra produced Orgone, orgasmically, through sexual intercourse. It is the complete sexual release that ends addiction.

Survival

I became a total failure and that led me to survive. I went to college and wound up in grad school. I wasn't any great scholar but I wound up in the Haight Ashbury in the hippie era. If I had any skills or talent besides getting high, which led me to Yoga, it would have surprised me, just nothing. I liked meditation. It had some benefit but no release. I was lost and single; marriage, sex, and love were confusing. If I had some talent I would have thrown myself into my skills and went on. Would have kept on. But I was really screwed up and really nothing satisfied me. If I had any idea of what satisfied meant.

Was it luck? Was it the hidden connections of my life? I would like to think so that brought me to Dr. Rinn. Now I do have a few skills. I became a Massage Therapist. I understand Nutrition from working in the field and studying. I enjoy writing poetry and I practice singing and playing some. What brought me to waking up and experiencing this life journey and not a short lived life was Dr. Reich's Orgone Therapy. To this day, everyday Orgone Therapy saves my life. If I had some talent I would never had learned how to be fully alive.


I am reminded of Jesus saying one must be drowning before one can be saved. These days I relate that to addictions. If one has made it through childhood with some skills, a way to succeed in our culture with non lethal addictions than one will happily walk into the wall of failure at an advanced age and not experience the need for knowledgable help.

Growing up I watched my father smoke, and the men who work for him all smoke and drink. My mother never ate in front of me but she was huge. No one talked and no one paid much attention to each other. My father thankfully was the exception; he visited my brother and me every night to share his kind caring. My mother never would even say goodnight. 

When I confronted my mother as a adult she denied everything. I had heard my mother voicing hateful thoughts, hating men, late at night to my sister. My mother was the obedient wife and had performed her wifely duties silently to my fathers grunting. No need to explain the facts of life when you can learn it on the street. The lack of comfort, understanding and physical closeness from my mother would cause a unknown anger and spiteful feelings. 

The past what a subtle horror. Its subtle because I had learned as a baby how to shut down. Yet all the experiences are stored in the contracted body. What is left is what I call the reporting brain. It takes notes and stores memory. Does not feel. Waiting to awaken. What a shock when that part of me feels.The bigger part. The bigger part of me doesn't like the culture of frozen feelings. It has trouble wanting to act like it is all normal.

I am being reminded what a difficult journey being a human.  I found I was not prepared for adulthood. Going through my tortuous journey I am remembering all the mistakes, the twists, the false starts, the wrong choices that I made. It was a map filled with illusions, fantasy, and confusion and only some genetic code of survival kept me going.

Now I have learned how to breathe correctly. Combining breath work with emoting allows me to enjoy my life even when all the obstacles are difficult. Dr. Rinn using Orgone Therapy knew my journey would not be easy. He visited me after I had completed my time with him. He took my hands and without saying a word acknowledged our shared knowledge. To this day I am grateful.

Breath. A Trillion Stars

Orgone Therapy can elicit these situations.  Feelings come rushing in and now I am finally experiencing the abandonment that I could not allow myself to feel. Even though I have worked and prepared myself for my anger I find my stubbornness overwhelming.  I am lost. I will not move. What a sad protection. Then I will not be frozen. In the past the doctor helped, now I am expressing myself. The expression is the lifeboat. My breath is back.

Dropped down on the planet with the compulsion to go, to get going and continue on the journey that our Orgone motivates us to achieve. Every bit of knowledge becomes instrumental in taking the steps to understanding. If what's left of one's pulsation, life force connects to Dr. Reich's tragic, publicized death and his story generates interest, and like me you are lucky to find an Orgone Therapist then breath will be talked about, taught and experienced.

Eastern and Western mystics  have used breath as a way to enhance life. In my twenties I was  initiated into Kriya Yoga, and Zen breathing techniques and found both to be missing an essential core that Dr. Wilhelm Reich discovered. Full breathing without orgasmic release will cause confusion and anxiety in me. Every 3 to 8 seconds a breath is drawn. Most of the time we humans are not aware of it. In and out and totally forgotten. Breath, or spirit as it is called in the Bible, is the link to direction in an unsatisfactory culture. Truly being alive wakes the unexpressed abusive  past and panic can feel overwhelming. Now as I breathe I experience the movement of Orgone, a very humbling experience. When Orgone streaming combines with full breathing an invisible world becomes shining, pulsating. The movement of Orgone is eye opening.