Decisions

Remember I said to Joel, old friend,
At camp the Psychiatrist said, What
Would you do if a friend
Was in a fantasy, would you
Wake him.

Joel didn't remember.

filled

 I was eating French toast with powdered sugar completely covering the challah bread. It was sweet and strong. For some reason my mother took me downstairs by myself and was feeding me. It happened with cereal and that had to be covered in sugar for me to get it down. Or the egg salad, all fed to me separately.

Where had I been. In fact I didn't understand the significance of those moments until I had accessed my Orgone and was reminded of the memory. Then I knew. I was neglected and left in my crib. No one talked to me, no one made contact. OMG I was picked up once in a while but it was so little and not enough to bring me out of  the dull, leaving this world consciousness.

I looked at the white covering. It was  so sweet and the bread soft. I liked the attention. I liked the sweetness, it spread through me;  I was different, better. Later I knew why  I would eat to feel different, special, an addict.

I was different. I was by myself, my brother, sister upstairs. My mother would cutup the pieces and feed me. Looking back I knew I was at least 5 years old as we were living in the house on 23rd street. Later as an adult I confronted my mother. Why was I left? Why was she never there for me? Why did she never once come into my bedroom to say goodnight? She denied all her misconduct. But when I didn't back down she ultimately said she was like everyone else. Like that was a good reason to be negligent.

My mother finally realized that little boy was disappearing and she gave the little she understood: food and sweets. And so I spent my childhood eating, and never wondering why everyone in my family did there own thing and left me to find my own way.

The addicted, the armored, will always reject you. Once there needs are satisfied your useless to them. True connection only exists when the Orgone flows, and the person is able to make loving connection. Till then what one learned in Orgone Therapy is to voice your anger, your bodily movement with affect, appropriately.

Memory. Even the best of us will not remember what you ate three weeks ago on a Tuesday, or who said what a year ago. Yet going back, experiencing from an adults view what happened to you as a baby is not an option for most people. No I hear no point in going back and remembering. Why is that? Really it is an unconscious fear, better to be in control and not experience the abuse of what adults might do next. If your fortunate you were touched and knew the difference to express the nightmare of no one being there to hold you and reassure you. Instead I was ridgid, and was not touchingly validated. Instinct to connect is paramount. If your lucky you go back and remember that you either made connection with your mother and felt the pleasure of being whole and fulfilled or you went into denial to survive.

Not getting the sweet milk and the loving contact of your mothers body is confusion.. This is shock. or later depressed without even being aware of being depressed.  Acting good, gets you a reprieve from further possibilities of danger. Then as we grow older we forget that we made that decision.

Having an awareness of Orgone streaming is if your mother took you in her naked body and pressed your naked body against hers and fed you. This made you aware of what it is like to feel whole, full of life. If one does not experience this behavior one will go on searching for some lost meaning.

Depression begins with the absence of contact with mother. The flattening of Orgone. The experience of yearning to move and feel pleasure and understand how to receive pleasure begins with her. If she is not available then your shit out of luck, unless you can fine an Orgone Therapist and activate the expressions that liberates the original rage that got buried.

The catch is to experience the Orgone movement, and correspondingly ones blocked feeling; one has to learn how to express. This happens in Orgone Therapy, and it takes time to understand. It is in the emoting that one figures ones self out and ones place in the culture.

When finally Orgone movement happened, I was scared silly. Bursting, hurt my left side; it felt like  my arm had taken on a life of its own. It dissipated and would be balanced. Then slowly over years it became filling and sometimes flowing. Now I know when the Orgone moves I feel lucky, aware and pleased.

I was blocked, frozen and hid from showing myself to the people, family, doctors who had no idea that they were torturing me and I was afraid if I showed how much I wanted them gone, murdered, they would finish me off. Experiencing  those feelings comes with the reappearance of Orgone because that is what I stopped. The memories creep back in, and it is uncomfortable. It is also being alive. Once started, remembering Orgone will reappear at its own pace, and if I let it happen without interfering it works to open me to the wonders I had no notion existed.,