at the end you are not in control

Get nervous. Learn fear. Death is an unknown. Don't know how to express fear
and the awesome streamings in the body that will come. Better learn. That shaking, movement of energy moving through the body is the earthquake of repressed feelings finally erupting. God knows those new feelings will feel like a hurricane. Go with the wind: the energy is you. Let those streamings go and the warm glow of balance will return. Got to learn and practice how to feel because dying will waken all your feelings, and my guess is fear will need to be expressed big time.
All you have is your filtering perceptions. Will they be there when your dead? Will the memories be there? 

I accepted life with my nuclear family would never change and what never changed was my stilled energy. Just accepted  everything cause you got beaten
or isolated: do not accept. Recognize that you (I) feel unsatisfied. If I would protest or question my parents way of being the isolation would get loud.

Now there is a load of repressed, stored, unexpressed feelings  moving through my body; those  streamings will feel weird, horrible, run from them. That's what I do. In fact lay down on the bed and run. Breathe hard go with it. Now if you think this description is strange, actually if you got this far you don't. Feeling energy in your body is your birthright. Not feeling the streamings is actually horrible; it's just that's what our culture, family wants.
Ignorance is not bliss: it is the wrapping on addiction.
Breathe my brothers and sisters.