Once upon a time

That baby has her toe in her mouth; she is so tiny and she can amazingly put her leg behind her head. Well we all could do that once upon a time. We were one totally with our bodies. Life happened automatically that became the problem. We were fluid  and our bodies would respond in all ways to protect ourselves. When the abuse came we were able to lock down the experience by preoccupying our consciousness with contraction. That contraction when reinforced by further abuse led to restriction, stiffness and finally armor.


Ultimately we went on and forgot the experience of moving Orgone. Life has been swallowed, has become a hidden river flowing deep within us: when the river surfaces the flow is palpable.

What happened to those soft muscles that were strong and
flexible like wet sponges? Our original state we felt whole, flowing, and appropriately moving towards pleasure. Risk taking with another would be a daily occurrence, and contact with the wonder that we are.

Difficult Journey

Imagine, as an adult you get a splinter and damn it hurts or a hangnail, it is painful, and if you're unfortunate to have something serious then you will experience true oneness with the universe through pain.

Survival demanded awareness and being sensitive kept us alert. Being abused needed to be hidden and one's sensitivity demanded the abuse to be expressed. Yet being punished for speaking out will keep you silent and stunted.

All of us are sensitive. Emotional abuse is mostly invisible and twists, confuses. Because it is not always physical, it may seem less harmful and easier to be in denial than physical abuse. Emotional abuse causes contractions like physical abuse and armor buries the pain of horrendous childhood, by denying the memories. Understanding and forgiving our parent's is OK, it's OK to forgive, not to forget, not to bury the anger, the fear, the sadness, the years of tears.  It takes being an adult to finally realize what went wrong. That general malaise, that addiction that keeps on returning. That near death catastrophe hopefully takes you to a Therapist preferably an Orgone Therapist.

I was handed a lot of abuse and hid from all of it. I had trouble getting to the core of myself, and because of that expressing myself was never a strong point. I distracted myself and had a lousy memory. Being blind, deaf, to neglect is a formula for survival as a baby; as an adult a formula for miserable addiction or unaware addiction. Since I was left out, neglected, tortured by "well meaning doctors", I had to learn to express my anger, my fear, my tears in an appropriate setting.

Therapy is hard but therapy allowed me to survive.






 

The Past

My past is filled with lost memories, many I have the most difficult time remembering; not only because it is in the past but also because I said to myself I don't want to see my family rejecting, ignoring me. I also said I will never forget, and forget I did, and only the strange sensations(later I realized it was anxiety) brought me to Orgone Therapy.

I do remember my last blog where I hid under the sink, but today I remembered other times when calling on my family to stop being mean, I was sent upstairs and I stayed in my room, crying that no one was there, in fact no one came to see what was wrong, no one talked, no one.

Now in the present the impotency of childhood can resurface, and the depression of not being received: when ones Orgone is not accepted it stays buried. As a adult many say what is the good of going back and revisiting the past, just change, like knowing the darkness changes to light: except my character was cemented. Patterns were set that laughed at my wishes.

I had to accesses the unconscious, make the past remembered so I wouldn't screw up the present.            

Orgone Therapy is where I learned to access my buried emotions which allowed me to know the difference between being angry with my parents, our culture and not projecting that on your friends and therapist. Accessing my Orgone, my core allows me to understand my character; the ways I hold myself, the way I handle emotions, my tension. I am glad I went back. Being neglected, left out, ignored in the past will lead to addiction. Not achieving acknowledgement from the family, fairness from the culture, leads to seeking pleasure from divergent sources, often addictive substances.

I am great believer in Orgone Therapy. Orgone Therapy is my foundation for moving through the world. There have been other helpful insights after I have stopped seeing Dr. Rinn. One was People Skills by Robert Bolton. I highly recommend this book: day to day communication skills are thoroughly explained. His worked helped me understand why I failed verbally or became annoyed with other peoples verbal, communication skills. Finally what I am now calling URMovingenergy, or now Catto, a combination of all the moving arts I practice and study. Not only do these movements move the Orgone, Chi etc. but also gives me another way to to embody Orgone knowledge.

Freezing and Unfreezing The Orgone

I was a tiny little guy and after expressing my unhappiness at the dinner table that my brother was being picked on by my fat, unhappy mother, she told me to leave the table. I rushed upstairs and proceeded to throw off all the covers of all the beds. I knew this was anathema to my mother who made the beds each morning. To protect myself I locked myself in the bathroom. Hiding under the sink I would watch the drip of the faucet. The tear drop would fill and then burst. Over and over the shiny faucet would express the enlargement. It held my attention. The swelling, movement of our life can be stopped. It is the bursting of the tear shaped expansion like the drip of the faucet, death. The pulse was not my life. I tried to expand. Emotions from  me, of a hot. expressive  life was a shock for my controlling mother. She hated being reminded that she was wrong, confused, ignorant. She had too much abuse in her life. Her need was to control the outburst by bursting my bubble. 

Of late I have taken a late night boat ride skimming the bay at a high speed into the oncoming dark, fast moving current. The deep impenetrable, reflection, like a mirror of the universe. The power that moved the seas has no equal. Yet my fear was large, but only a small reflection of that immensity. I breathed in wonder and pleasure and fear at this unknown Orgone that was reflected in every life.

Addiction is a perverted course to some pleasure. Addiction is a detour, a bypass of the knowledge that one has shut down, the initial primal pulse, the swell, the expansion.
When one freezes the flow, the excitement of moving outward, settling for a controlled existence, than the beginning of depression and the continual need for artificial, less satisfying experiences will occur.

Lifting Up

Dedicated to the Wandering Pastor

I was lucky to have the visiting Pastor often come to my work. It meant that I would be seen. The pastor included everyone in his healing. He could see that work was strenuous. That all of us needed a hand. His connection he;ped lesson the burden of the past.

Long time ago I said no more. I will not take the physical abuse and neglect and I shut down. But part of me, the deeper part, the moving, sparkling part was hidden. The forgotten armor became a protection, unconscious, buried. Pain buried does not bury the experience of abuse only the anticipation, the anxiety of waiting for the next abuse. Yes one can stifle some forms of abuse, be stoic, but pain needs to be expressed or the holding, the blocking, like sewage will bring disease. When pain comes I better scream. The emoting, the expression to the abuse allows the Orgone to move through the armor.

Two areas that are difficult: listening to myself, and looking in a mirror. Both have been helpful and troubling. My voice can sound held, reserved, and pinched. The mirror of late is where I am focused. I have begun to see the filling up or the collapsing of posture as the visibility of Orgone. Paying attention to where Orgone is lacking has helped me find a aliveness that brings fear and finally pleasure. 

Orgone connection lifts, brings pleasure to the body. Like the Pastor who brought comfort at work with his welcomed handshake; he knew a deeper presence brought shared smiles. As he held your hand for an extended time he would say their will be lifting up, and if needed other inspiring quotes. He would spend some time with everyone. At work little was shared except work.There were no handshakes, or meaningful connections. The Pastor broke through to those stifled, incomplete beings. He reached knowingly to catch a fallen person, to let us all know there was more than what we had. His smile, his being kept us all reaching out and hopeful.

Orgone Way

We had a few hours before our day began.
All our bickering left. I heard the birds
Singing.
I turned to her and felt the heat in
My loins reaching
My eyes.
Than I lifted her and carried her to our bed.

Whole.
She was my alpha omega and I
The ship finding land.

Orgone Way A Prequel

Each day begins with the practice of
Breathing. Letting the breath in and not
Holding at the top. A sigh at the bottom.
And up. Charging the body.
Allowing the memories to inhabit the body,
Becoming the movement and understanding.
My journey is unique. The practice is not.

Orgone Way Poem

The movie stars, the sports millionaires, the CEO's.
Dream catchers like unknown woods.
Where did they come from? What broken
Paths did they resurface?

I’m driving  a Corvette. I’m
Throwing that wicked curve ball. I’m saving those armored
Doctors. Fantasy Like ice.
My eyes
Telling me it’s more than sitting like
The Buddha.

Than the breath flows.
Than the I won’t changes to I will.
Standing up to your father when the
Belt comes out.
Trap me in a corner and get in
Touch with your savior.

Through A Glass Darkly or I Won't

Up during the night examining my duality. Recognizing that the yin and yang, the black and white, the day and the night are the clothes
that Orgone wears. Our existence, our bodies, the plants, all manifestations. What everything has in common is the expression of Orgone. Duality is the clothing that Ogone steps into: Orgone is the the unity of life, and is in all matter. Identify with the expression, be the Orgone.

 And this morning after having these thoughts I found this quote on my Google page.
"Nothing retains the form that seems its own, and nature, the renewer of all things, continually changes every form into some other shape. Believe my word, in all the universe of vast extent, not one thing ever perished, all have changed appearance." Ovid's Metamorphosis.
Leave behind without shame all your past addictions. Nature, Orgone changes without attachment. Be like Nature, like the Orgone transform armor into awareness.

All the words in the world, all the libraries and still not only is there more addiction than ever but also more armored, unfeeling, unsympathetic natures. When you come to the end of the rainbow and it's mud than you have to question everything. The western culture with its imperialist expansion, like Orgone expanding, can be seen as a substitute for orgasmic living. By taking over other countries, controlling other people, a false sense of being alive is experienced. Sounds like addiction. It is.

Solving addiction without self regulating emotions is impossible. Orgone Therapy teaches through the process of therapy how to express the feelings that weren't allowed in your childhood.

Without Therapy most rely on the military approach, using discipline, self control, and willpower.  Discipline has not worked. Holding back the desire for the addictive substance does not take you to a healthy self regulating balance. Letting the Orgone, spontaneously stream, express the emotions. Balanced control is not necessary when one trusts oneself. Ultimately many diseases are the outcome of disturbed Orgone flow, and addiction. 

The culture of the West supports addiction by its head in the sand culture and puritanical heritage. Growing up unaware, unconscious of your emotional expression leads to a substitute expression: addiction. We will not awaken to our true nature till the dark stubbornness of nothings wrong with me changes into better see an Orgone Therapist.

When one's life is plugged like a stuffed toilet than the unclogging is going to be difficult, messy and very troublesome. Waking to one's true nature flushes away doubt and rushes in fun, excitement and enjoyment.

The pulse is feeling the back and forth nature of duality in every moment. Orgone's nature is a pulse. Like the breath that goes in and out, the pulse  reminds us of  our vulnerabilities. Emoting transforms the two opposites into understanding. The Orgone rises to the surface. Like the tides there is  movement and transformation.

Addiction is a denial of the essential nature of reality. Forced by abuse to not experience the past, and Orgone flow, one controls the present with an addictive flood and a lost understanding. 

ORGONE WAY Intro

I have been correcting my 81 poem cycle. I was inspired by the Tao Te Ching by Stephen Mitchell.
One of my favorite versions is Dr. Timothy Leary's. 

Mine follows Dr. Reich's four part Orgone release cycle.

Making mistakes is challenging.
Breathing deeply has its challenges.
Living with a woman has its challenges.
Becoming aware of one's armor has its challenges.
Being frozen in a fantasy is insidiously challenging.
Each one needs to be unwrapped. And felt.
How do I know the unknowable?