Survival

I became a total failure and that led me to survive. I went to college and wound up in grad school. I wasn't any great scholar but I wound up in the Haight Ashbury in the hippie era. If I had any skills or talent besides getting high, which led me to Yoga, it would have surprised me, just nothing. I liked meditation. It had some benefit but no release. I was lost and single; marriage, sex, and love were confusing. If I had some talent I would have thrown myself into my skills and went on. Would have kept on. But I was really screwed up and really nothing satisfied me. If I had any idea of what satisfied meant.

Was it luck? Was it the hidden connections of my life? I would like to think so that brought me to Dr. Rinn. Now I do have a few skills. I became a Massage Therapist. I understand Nutrition from working in the field and studying. I enjoy writing poetry and I practice singing and playing some. What brought me to waking up and experiencing this life journey and not a short lived life was Dr. Reich's Orgone Therapy. To this day, everyday Orgone Therapy saves my life. If I had some talent I would never had learned how to be fully alive.


I am reminded of Jesus saying one must be drowning before one can be saved. These days I relate that to addictions. If one has made it through childhood with some skills, a way to succeed in our culture with non lethal addictions than one will happily walk into the wall of failure at an advanced age and not experience the need for knowledgable help.

Growing up I watched my father smoke, and the men who work for him all smoke and drink. My mother never ate in front of me but she was huge. No one talked and no one paid much attention to each other. My father thankfully was the exception; he visited my brother and me every night to share his kind caring. My mother never would even say goodnight. 

When I confronted my mother as a adult she denied everything. I had heard my mother voicing hateful thoughts, hating men, late at night to my sister. My mother was the obedient wife and had performed her wifely duties silently to my fathers grunting. No need to explain the facts of life when you can learn it on the street. The lack of comfort, understanding and physical closeness from my mother would cause a unknown anger and spiteful feelings. 

The past what a subtle horror. Its subtle because I had learned as a baby how to shut down. Yet all the experiences are stored in the contracted body. What is left is what I call the reporting brain. It takes notes and stores memory. Does not feel. Waiting to awaken. What a shock when that part of me feels.The bigger part. The bigger part of me doesn't like the culture of frozen feelings. It has trouble wanting to act like it is all normal.

I am being reminded what a difficult journey being a human.  I found I was not prepared for adulthood. Going through my tortuous journey I am remembering all the mistakes, the twists, the false starts, the wrong choices that I made. It was a map filled with illusions, fantasy, and confusion and only some genetic code of survival kept me going.

Now I have learned how to breathe correctly. Combining breath work with emoting allows me to enjoy my life even when all the obstacles are difficult. Dr. Rinn using Orgone Therapy knew my journey would not be easy. He visited me after I had completed my time with him. He took my hands and without saying a word acknowledged our shared knowledge. To this day I am grateful.